I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
