I just pynch a tree in the face
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
