I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
