I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
