He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
