Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
