dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
