Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
