Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
