there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
