if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
