I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
