ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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