he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
