I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
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And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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