Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
