why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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