she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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