You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
