Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
