bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
