There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
