you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You are a genius and a whore.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
