The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
