Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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