just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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