Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think i have herpe
just one?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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