she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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