Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
