There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
