Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
