I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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