My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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