you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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