my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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