Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
