you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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