I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
