I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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