why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
