Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
