I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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