I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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