Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
