He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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