I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
