I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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