a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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