I'm lost and stupid without you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
