Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
