Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
