i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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