my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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