We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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