She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
