im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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