Define "chronic" masturbator.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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