If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
