i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
