Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
